Damn!

Well, its been a while since I’ve made a post, been having a pretty hard time recently.

We had to take my dog to the vet the other day, she’s had cancer and had a tumor…we were given a diagnosis a year ago that she’d only be able to go for 2 months, we had her for an additional 14, and without any pain we were comfortable having her stay with us…as the vet put it “she doesn’t know she’s sick, so as long as she isn’t in pain, she’ll be fine.”

So, we brought her home started feeding her only home cooked food, and making sure she got lots of extra outside time and loving, well it paid off and I got to have my sweet girl around for a while longer…but, as I didn’t want to have her be in any pain at all, the second I realized she was having pain we took her into the vet, and they confirmed the suspicion, so we did the humane thing, and didn’t keep her around being in pain.

As I was saying goodbye and tears were streaming down my face and onto her greying hair, I thought about all the times I had cried into her fur and she always laid right there and allowed me to release my pain with no judgement, especially when I had no one else around. She was an angel…that’s for sure.

Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things ive ever done, but it was her time, I do miss her every second of everyday though, especially when she would be on my heels, and now she isn’t…im still having bouts of crying and missing her next to me.

In time I may get another dog, but not right now. Being a CF patient brings with it a lot of weird things regular people just won’t ever have to think about…I honestly thought I wouldn’t be here without her. Going through the shit I go through without her is miserable, and I have to remember to keep my head up where before she would bring a smile to my face.

I miss her…

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Stay Positive

So, lately I’ve been having a rough time both physically with the Cystic Fibrosis, and also a little bit mentally.

Physically, I’ve been having a rough time with the allergy season, It has sapped my energy, and made my face itchy, watery, and red…lol…it sucks…

Mentally, I’m having a bit of trouble, I’m alone a lot and I’m struggling to figure out what to do with my downtime, especially when I don’t have energy to do shit…

Making yourself do things when you don’t feel good is one thing, but when you feel extra shitty, its damn near impossible, and when moving is taxing it takes it to a whole new level.

I see and hear about what people are doing and it bums me out…I try my hardest to stay positive, which is very hard to do, and 5 years ago I would’ve had a serious breakdown by now, probably gone on a bender and paid for it for several months afterwards. Now, I have gotten my shit together since then, but mentally it is never going to be easy to go through life with CF.

I am always going to have to be strong mentally, not being rock solid will lead to my demise, and not metaphorically, but literally…it definitely takes a toll on you knowing things will NEVER get easier, in fact they’ll only get harder.

It is a mind f#ck and then some…but, I am strong, and I will stay positive, and I will make it…

I have made the resolve of my inner strength being solid, I have an iron will, and it cant be broken. Maybe temporarily damaged, but nothing will ever break me totally again, ever. To tell the truth knowing that is the only thing that keeps me going…is that I wont break, life will have to get rid of me to break me, and even then I hope to leave behind a legacy that outlasts my time here physically.

With that I’m gonna go listen to some rap, and get in the mood to dominate when I wake up tomorrow!! Do what you gotta do…

 

Beard Trim Bound

It’s almost 2:20am and I’m still up and I’m pissed! I have been having a great f@cking day, now I woke up this morning feeling about the same as usual…but around 11:30am I got a boost of energy so I decided “hey I just got some new glasses the other day, so lets go get a hot shave and beard trim” so I get in the shower get my self going grab a couple boosts and I’m out the door.

I called ahead to the barbershop, Friends Barbershop up in the Johns Creek area, they told me to come one in they could get to me shortly. So I get up there, I was gonna have to wait for a bit, so I grabbed a drink and a magazine and waited for my turn in the chair.

Not too long and I was in the chair getting the barbers cape thrown over me, so I told them what I wanted and they went to work, cleaned up my beard, trimmed and straight razor complete! I’m paying and out the door, as I get out to the car my phone starts having a stroke, lol…then dead. Its done for. Luckily I’m right near the phone store.

So, I zip into Verizon and tell them what happened. they’re surprised the phone I had lasted me this long, apparently life span of smart phones is around 2 years…I’ve had my droid for almost 5…what can I say I have always taken good care of my things…part of the habitual OCD that comes with being a CFer. So, I plug it up at the store so they can see what’s wrong with it, and that it wasn’t something I did. Just wear and tear, so I look around for a bit, mind you I’m still a little behind on the whole tech, social media, phones, all that mess world. I just have many other things that come first and stuff like that is secondary or more like vigenary (20th).  “And for the record the progression is: 1st = primary, 2nd = secondary, 3rd = tertiary, 4th = quaternary, 5th = quinary, 6th = senary, 7th = septenary, 8th = octonary, 9th = nonary, 10th = denary, 12th = duodenary and 20th = vigenary.” -oxford dictionary.

Anyways..lol…so pick out a new phone after looking for a bit, one of the things that bothers me about these smartphones I how big they all are almost like DVD cases. not to mention being $400.00-$800.00 for a damn cell phone, wow. But I find one that’s probably the smallest one in the store width, and height-wise. I get all my stuff backed up and transferred to the new phone, decide I wanna use it for a few days to decide what kind of case I want to get etc. So, they slap the couple extra per month onto my bill and test call me and I’m out of there. I will say they’re pretty damn efficient, even if they’re trying to upsell you until the second you set foot out the door, no worries its sales, I get it.

I stop by the “adult beverage store” as I’ve had a pretty long day and am gonna need a stiff one when I get home and decide to eat some dinner, we had soft tacos, one of my favs. And I continue on with my night messing with my new phone getting it set up just like I like/want. I get comfy in bed and then all of a sudden my stomach tightens up…”damn it I know what this means, so off to the bathroom…but, nothing happens, nothing happens, and still nothing happens. Now, I’m not gonna get to graphic but, I’m dying here straining, and turning red, lol. Well, after over an hour I say screw this, jump into a scalding hot shower and head back to bed, but with that feeling still, which is one of the worst…id rather be anything than bound up…ahhh. Oh well, just CF life.

Well, now its 3:20am and I’m still awake with a stomach ache, this sucks. hopefully ill be able to sleep soon, but who knows. So I sit here figuring out all the little peccadillos of my new phone, down to the background of my txt messaging screen…lol. Here’s the old OCD again, everything has to be PERFECT.  Moreover, balance, categorized, and even symmetrical, down to how many screens I can slide between…1 home and 2 on either side…you know cuz balance…lol.

BUT, its giving me something to do, so I’m cool with that. I have made my second adult beverage (wild turkey…just FYI) and am gonna find a good movie to watch…hope everyone’s weekend plans are set, and enjoy them!

GOODNIGHT!

 

 

 

 

 

Struggling

Its about 1pm on Friday, and I’m struggling pretty badly. Haven’t been feeling too good this week at all, I’m definitely having a rough week to say the least. Just a couple of the things that have been ravaging me this week:

  • Cold –> hot –> cold –> hot –> Freezing…this weather where I live is strange to say the least. When it goes from hot to cold like this, especially this often, my body has to adjust and readjust, and it makes things incredibly hard.
  •  I had some kind of food poisoning, or at the very least a nasty stomach bug. Been in the bathroom a lot. When I’m not, I’m in bed trying to keep myself in the absolute    “right position” so my body can relax and give my abdomen a break.
  • Then there’s the outside stressors that have added onto the joy of this week like getting a notice that my car insurance is going up, and I still can’t find a reasonably priced health insurance.
  • Also, had a death in the family…my Grandmother’s brother died a few days ago, and when people around me die it makes me wonder how I am outliving these people who die for no reason, meanwhile I’m sitting here struggling to breathe, and I’m still alive. Just a weird sort of mind job I’d rather go without.

So, ya that’s what my week has been, riding the struggle bus for sure, but not because of a hangover or anything where I had too much fun. Just the regular old BS that having a chronic illness brings to the table. That’s also the reason I haven’t blogged in several days.

But, anyways…I am finally starting to get a little relaxation and some of these additional symptoms are going away. While I can I am going to try to get some stuff I need to get done handled. Hopefully everyone had/has a good week, and now weekend. Ill try to get up another post a little quicker next time. Hopefully today is the last day of this extra fun! Lol.

Sorry, I can barely think straight, so no CF tips, or body hacks on this post. I’ll add one the next time for sure.