Well, I’ve kind of been waiting for this to happen for a few days since I’ve been naturally feeling not terrible, and have been enjoying watching some really good basketball games…I’ve been elated, enjoying the natural high of life. But…waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It just hit me like a ton of bricks, as I am sitting here watching some game recaps, I feel that nasty pit of the stomach feeling start to churn, it is angst, dread, fear, loneliness, just discomfort on a deep psychological level. The other side of the effect of waiting for the other shoe to drop type feeling, well it has dropped. And it is ripping my stomach apart as I try to control it.
I literally just made a post probably less than an hour ago, and I wasn’t in this mood. I know all people experience this kind of thing, just maybe not in this amplified of an impact. Having Cystic Fibrosis I am used to dealing with discomfort both physically and mentally, and I have a pretty well developed sense of how it is impacting me and how I can keep it in check. Having said that, I also have NO control sometimes, and this is one of those times.
I am sitting here at 12:30 am, I’m alone, and uncomfortable…in a terrible way. These are the times I anticipate with fear, almost more than anything else. The feeling of dread fills my mind, and my stomach in trying to rip its way out of my body to find an escape.
I usually wouldn’t share this type of stuff, I wasn’t raised to complain, but I’m trying to be as real as possible and make this site/blog raw, real, and not sugar coated…I was raised well, and raised with the idea that you don’t complain unless you need to, “don’t cry wolf” I guess would be the best way to describe my discipline in this area. There are times I need help, physically, and even mentally…but, if I always say how crappy I feel I would be complaining almost constantly and more so when it gets bad, but this is one of those times. So,where I usually just suffer in silence as to not create stress and tension among the ones I love, I am using this as my outlet. Trying to share my pain in an attempt to understand it better myself, but also to show how much of an impact something like CF has one people aside from the physical affects.
Obviously, this will subside at some point…but I don’t know when. So, until then I will try to distract myself with meditation, video games, TV, anything to take my mind off of this for just enough time for it to fall to the back burner in my already scrambled brain. As I said I don’t usually share this stuff because it Is my shit to deal with, I am trying to be more open, and hopefully shed some light on what impact an invisible illness has on the person, like I said, aside from the physical impact.
So, with that I am off to distract myself, I apologize if this post seems to just be a long winded complaint. That wasn’t really my intention, but I think it was the outcome.